First of all, thank you all for your prayers and support. My wife is absolutely wonderful for making this web page. It is a great way to let everyone know what is going on with our son. Corinne has been very strong through all this and to see the way she looks at Nick, you really understand a mother's love. She is handling all this with great strength, and stability.
For a parent it is a living hell. A hell that no human can fathom. Every day I wake up praying my son is blessed with another day. Another day of progress. Another day of options in case something fails. Another day to hear me read to him, touch him, just to know I am there. Unfortunately, the options are running out. Nick has been given a "Code Drug." This is a last resort, hail mary, please God make this drug work!
I have been indulging my musical selection to the heavy metal band "Metallica." One of my favorite quotes from the song "One" states, "Please God wake me!" That is how I truly feel. This is a horrible nightmare I cannot wake up from. This was never supposed to happen this way. We did everything right. Yet, we got dealt a raw deal. I mean, what the hell did we do to deserve this? I truly feel like God is taking all the sins that Corinne and I have committed in our past, and is hitting us back 50 fold!
I can no longer be around healthy babies, or hear parents talk about their "Happy Children." It truly makes me sick to my stomach. Nick will probably not have a normal life, that is if he makes it. Yes people, that is the reality! Our son may not make it. My wife and I may lose our son!!! Talking to the Doctor today, brought the reality that the end might be near to light- that is if Nick doesn't start urinating or start stabilizing his blood pressure.
Forgive me for my grim tone. I am just having a hard time coping. I see my son there, in pain, crying, and there is NOTHING I can do to stop it. When he is in pain, and crying, my touch and the sound of my voice tend to calm him, and bring him to a more comfortable state. But that is the majority of the contact I can have with him. I used to dream of taking my boy to baseball games, his first time driving, and anything else a father dreams of. Now I just pray he makes it through. Right now, I don't know what to think. The doctors are trying to be positive, but if he doesn't do what needs to happen, then the options will have run out. Time will be short.
Please, Please, Please, don't see MY blog post, and think Corinne has the same mindset as I do. Corinne cherishes your feedback, thoughts, and prayers. She has been my rock, and foundation through all of this. She has been very positive through all of this. She is why I keep a positive exterior. She is the Mother of my child. Without Corinne, I am lost. Without Nick, I am lost. Without my family, it is nearly impossible to function.
Let me wrap it up by saying, thank you all for your support, prayers and kind feedback. I truly apologize for my tone in this blog, but it just breaks me down sometimes to where I can't hardly take it. But I press on. I press on for my son, my wife, and my family. Just know if you see me, I am not all there. So please don't expect me to be my normal self. Because, until Nick comes home I will never be content, nor rest til I know he is with us, and safe. Thank You.
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My heart just aches for Mark and Corinne. I had said in an earlier comment, "I know what they must be going through", but I can never know what it's really like. If I had a way to transfer my life force into Nicholas, I would do it in a minute. I see Nicholas nearly everyday in anticipation of every and any tiny change for the better. All I know is what I see. I see a baby boy growing everyday. I have confidence that God himself has plans for Nicholas...
ReplyDeleteAlready Nicholas has brought great attention to the urgency of everyday in a life. I don't know anything about all the exact sciences of the human body when it arrives early in the world. What I know is that Nicholas if a fighter. With all that he has been through, everytime I have seen him, he has been responsive to my voice, with an arm movement, kicking with his foot. When he opens his eyes, it tells me his brain is connecting to use what he has to get what he wants. The way he responds to our voices tells me his hearing is working good. His body growth has not been stunted. All he needs now is to get his internal organs working correctly. I want to belive that is not too far off.
I know he knows that we are there. I know he wants to get going with life. The nurses agree. This, I beleive, has alot to do with his survival. I feel God is using Nicholas right now for his purpose, and I pray that God will futher his purpose to allow Mark to have all those dreams with his son come true.
Just as Granddad Matthews said, my heart also aches for Corinne and Mark. Both of our sons, Jim and Mark, were born healthy and full term, so we never had to go through or experience what Mark and Corinne are going through right now as parents. I do know from experience however, what it feels like as a parent, to see when your own child is hurting, whether it be physical or emotional pain because this is what I am feeling now. I see Mark emotionally hurting and going through so much along with Corinne and I am hurting for them also. I have been praying to God everyday that His love will shine through and give Mark and Corinne strength and encouragement to make it through the day. I also pray to God faithfully everyday for Nicholas that God puts his healing and loving hands on him and makes him stronger. It must be working because Nicholas is a fighter. I saw Nicholas today and when I said "Happy New Year, Nicholas", his one little eye opened and looked at me and so I know he heard me. I also thank God that Nicholas was born to such loving and caring parents. God Bless the three of them.
ReplyDeleteThe above comment was posted by Grandma Matthews
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